Your Yankee jersey

By Mark La Monica

I got an email one month ago and never even looked at it because the subject line began with "Fwd: FW:" and that's like a double negative, only it never becomes a positive.

Cleaning out my inbox this afternoon at the office (read: bored outta my tree on a Friday afternoon), I came across the email and checked the delete box. Then, peripheral vision took over and I noticed "Yankee" in the headline. What the heck? Anything to kill a few minutes. Normally, I hate these dumb forwarded emails about Top 10 stuff and You know you're _____ when . . ., but this one had some potential.

The email began with this headline: "What your Yankee shirt says about you."

The list was in numerical order, with the player's name and what it means for the person who is wearing it.

I immediately scrolled down to No. 23 for Don Mattingly, my all-time favorite Yankee. It read:

#23 Don Mattingly: You're between 27 and 37, and you never had another favorite player. Mere mentions of names like Chuck Cary, Melido Perez and Alvaro Espinoza rip through you like sharp knives. No one could ever call you a front-runner because you were part of the paltry 21,589 average attendance in 1992. The 1995 Game 5 loss in Seattle was the worst Sunday night of your life.

Oh!

My!

God!

Where do we begin with this? Clearly, it's dead-on [non-strikes] accurate, to politely paraphrase Mona Lisa Vito in "My Cousin Vinny."

I'm 30. Never had another favorite, although Paul O'Neill became a de facto player to cheer for after my two-year moratorium when Mattingly retired after the 1995 season. I routinely play the "Name the 1991 starting rotation for the Yankees" game with people. Few know Scott Sanderson was the Opening Day starter. Few even remember Sanderson pitched for the Yankees. I did go to those games in 1992 and the awful years earlier when Gary Ward homering to beat Detroit was considered monumental. I stared at the television for hours without blinking after Ken Griffey Jr. scored from first that night in 1995. It still hurts.

This email is fantastic. I don't know who originally wrote it, but it's championship material Here's most of the list, directly from the email, minus the really unsavory ones. (Note: Some language was edited down to ensure I don't get canned.)

[The 10:30 p.m. blog update: Turns out the email I received from a friend was written by Paul Katcher. You can read his stuff at http://paulkatcher.com/. Thanks to reader "Kevin Brown" for the information and to Paul Katcher for the confirmation.]

#1 Billy Martin: You remember exactly where you were when Aaron Boone dusted off the 2003 Red Sox - in the men's room, after your 12th beer.

#2 Derek Jeter: Everyone loves Jeter, of course. But not everyone wears Jeter. A guy like me kinda can't, for two reasons a) I don't wanna seem like I jumped on the post-1996 bandwagon; and b) I'm not a trashy chick who wears tight pink jerseys and drinks at Stan's cesspool. (From here on, said fans will be referred to as "Skankees.")

#6 Joe Torre: You keep score at the game and sit in the no-alcohol section.

#7 Mickey Mantle: You think gas prices would be only $2.10 a gallon if the Mick hadn't tripped on that sprinkler in the 1951 World Series.

#8 Yogi Berra: You rate personality over looks.

#9 Roger Maris: You long for the day when Mark McGwire cries on 60 Minutes.

#10 Phil Rizzuto: You hit .250 in Little League.

#11 Gary Sheffield: You grew up in Scarsdale, but wear it to look hard.

#12 Wade Boggs: I don't care if you were wearing it when the Yankees won the 1996 World Series. You really need to buy a new shirt. It's been nine years since he was on the team.

#13 Alex Rodriguez: You've moved on from the 1996-2000 dynasty clubs. Let go already. The more you boo an MVP, the more you discredit what those teams did, because you're saying they did the expected, not the incredible.

#14 Lou Piniella: You flipped off someone while driving to the Stadium. Maybe two.

#15 Thurman Munson: There's a 99.999% chance you have a mustache. You're around 45 and haven't worn a suit since your best friend got married in 1989.

#18: Johnny Damon: Wow, you hate the Red Sox. Wearing this one in Boston is akin to walking around with your middle fingers raised.

#19 Aaron Boone: Wow, you really hate the Red Sox. This one was clearly bought between 12:16 a.m. on October 16, 2003, and when he blew out his knee in the offseason. A great one to wear at Fenway, obviously.

#20 Bucky Dent: Wow, you really, really hate the Red Sox. The perfect Fenway wardrobe. You might also be a chick who just thinks he was hot.

#21 Paul O'Neill: You love baseball and probably play on four softball teams.

#23 Don Mattingly: You're between 27 and 37, and you never had another favorite player. Mere mentions of names like Chuck Cary, Melido Perez and Alvaro Espinoza rip through you like sharp knives. No one could ever call you a front-runner because you were part of the paltry 21,589 average attendance in 1992. The 1995 Game 5 loss in Seattle was the worst Sunday night of your life.

#25 Jason Giambi: You're still thinking of how to gracefully defend the guy for using steroids. Apart from that, you just say, "Like you wouldn't for $100 million."

#35 Mike Mussina: You're a chick. Period.

#44 Reggie Jackson: Humility is not your strong point.

#45 Carl Pavano: You're Carl Pavano's mother.

#46 Andy Pettitte: You found your ex-girlfriend/boyfriend in bed with someone else, but you can't shake the good memories.

#51 Bernie Williams: His is an old T-shirt you just can't throw away. Been with ya through the good times and the bad.

#55 Hideki Matsui: You always pay your taxes on time. You might also have earlobes the size of large pizzas.

#69 Your Own Name: You're a complete jerk.

There exists a time, albeit a short instance and rare occasion, when I'm glad the Forward button exists on people's email windows. This was one of those times.

Comments

[Andrew, Naples]

The jersey number list made me laugh. I was a HUGE Munson fan as a kid and I did have a mustache for several years but shaved it off after my mom told me I looked too old with it. The funny part was people always thought I was Mattingly when I had it. I would be leaving the park over by the players entrance and other fans would always ask me for my autograph. At first I would say that I am not him and they would not believe me so it was easier to just say: "not today..." (sorry Donny Baseball)

Oh and by the way....I am 45 and I have not worn a suit more then twice in the last 10 years...

Pretty funny list...

[Danah]

That's hilarious and kind of weird! I am a huge Derek Jeter fan but I dont wear tight pink jerseys and I don't think of myself as a Skankee.

[Arlie]

Hilarious!

I've got a Bubba Crosby jersey. And no, I'm not a friend or family member of his. Been a fan since his Rice days.

[me]

what about riveria? there must have been something said about the greatest pressure closer baseball has ever witnessed?